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September – Month of The Fly!

Man swatting a fly
Photo: TSM Media Creatas

September brings back college football….and flies! Sticky, nasty, pesky flies! Ugh!

I love sitting on my patio after I get home from work with a cold beer or a nice glass of wine. I love grilling and love eating dinner outside while the weather is nice. I love it so much, in fact, that I will brave the smoke for a while to do just that. Sit outside and enjoy a few minutes of quiet time!

September rolls along, and all of sudden, the Fly King looks at the calendar and says “Go forth! Go where the scouts of summer went before you! Invade! Pester! Plague the human beasts! Drive them back indoors and take over their domain! Go now! FLY!…FLY!”

Swarm they do. They land on my arm. I shudder them off (I wish I could shake my skin like a horse, that would be pretty cool). It never fails, one will fly off my arm, or leg, or foot, or whatever appendage happens to be exposed (not THAT one…sicko), but all it does is circle and land right back on the same spot I just swatted it away from!

Did I mention I hate flies?

They buzz about my head (apparently they like my cologne). They buzz about my bare feet. They buzz about my wine glass thinking it’s an open invitation for a fly hook-up with another one of it’s ugly, hairy, poop eating cousins.

“Spray them!” you say! – yeah…that lasts for about 10 seconds. I also don’t relish the thought of Black Flag molecules floating around my patio and settling into my wine glass.

“Get a fly swatter!” you cry! – Yup…did that. I bought several. The problem is, they’re those cheap plastic ones that break and become useless after you’ve managed to swat a dozen or so.

“Why doesn’t someone make a fly-swatter like the ones we had when I was a kid?” I ask. Ones that were made of screen and lasted a long time, and actually killed the flies, instead of moving so much air ahead of them it actually helps the flies escape a crushing blow to their ugly, hairy, poop eating bodies.

So I did a search for “old fashioned fly swatters” and lo and behold, I found them! Just like ones I remember as a kid. Strong! Deadly! A true fly killer’s weapon of death!

Photo: Garrettwade.com
Photo: Garrettwade.com

I immediately whipped out the credit card and bought the five-pack from GarrettWade.com. Within a few days, the UPS man knocked on my door with my highly anticipated package! Like Darren McGavin in “A Christmas Story”, I opened my package with delight and excitement! I found myself looking at five things of beauty. Wooden handles. Strong wire frames. Strong screen mesh edged with canvas, sewn neatly to hold it all together. No more cheap plastic! No more handles snapping from the force of the blow! I was a kid again!

These things are awesome! Now my wife and I have contests to see who can kill the most flies in a 15 minute period! Neighbors come over and ask to join in the bloodletting!

I leave my wine glass sitting as a lure…drawing the nasty, ugly, hairy, poop-eating creatures in for the kill! For a few brief moments, I am a maniacal fly-swatting machine and king of my patio.

This is not a paid endorsement for GarrettWade.com. If you’re having issues with flies, driving you back inside and keeping you from enjoying your patio, fight back! Don’t let the flies win!

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