I snore. Not all the time. Mostly just when I'm asleep. I hate it. Mostly for my wife. For some strange reason it seems to be hit and miss. There are nights when I don't snore. Unfortunately, when I do it keeps my wife awake. I'm certain I must sound like a grizzly bear. Only I'm not Gentle Ben.

I even wake myself at times. I hate when that happens...

But the weird thing is, it's not every night. Sometimes, I can sleep through the night and never make a peep. It's those nights that my poor wife (who is used to me making horrible monster-like noises) now wonders if I've paid the ferry man and crossed over the dark water to meet my maker.

Other nights I get all stuffed up and I sound like a garbage disposal trying to grind chicken bones and grapefruit rinds. What....the....heck?

It's those nights that I wake to find myself alone in bed. My wife has given up and retired to the guest room where she can get some much needed rest. I feel bad for her, and angry with myself.

I've done all the things you're supposed to try. Believe me. I've worn contraptions on my face that make me look like the villain Bane from a recent Batman movie. I've worn something that looks like a jock strap wrapped around my head to hold my jaw in the proper "you won't snore ever again" position (right, whatever). I've tried sprays, ointments, breathe right strips, mouth guards, and allergy pills. I've tried sitting up to sleep, I've tried tennis balls sewn into my pajamas (that really sucks, by the way). I've tried sleeping on my side, my stomach and my back (of course the back is the worst - remember the garbage disposal?).

I'm working on losing weight, which seems to be the key to my particular battle with this problem. In the meantime, until the weight is off, I will continue to try different remedies, contraptions, gadgets, snake oils, elixirs, mouth guards, etc.

I know snoring isn't good for you. I know it can raise your blood pressure and cause other medical issues. I know that it increases the risk of heart attacks and strokes. I know all that. What I hate the most, is that it makes my wife have to leave our bed in the middle of the night.

So, excuse me...I need to go do some cardio and burn some fat cells.