A ‘Poop Knife’ is a Thing That Exists and it’s the Worst
Just when you thought you'd seen everything, someone comes up with this.
It's as bad as it sounds, we promise.
This (as far as we know) is a 100% real story, posted by 'LearnedButt' on Reddit. You, just like we weren't, are not ready for what this user confesses to (warning: graphic details):
My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births [large poops]. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.
Gross, but not unheard of. What comes next is honestly something we had no idea existed:
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.
How did this anonymous writer learn that their family's practice wasn't common? That happened years later:
Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. I excuse myself and [use the bathroom]. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.
Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.
"Wtf is a poop knife?"
Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my up family with their f**** up bowels. FML.
There you have it. In 2018 a "poop knife" is a thing now. On behalf of Townsquare Media, we'd like to apologize for this being the state of things on the internet.